The Darkest Hours, Part 1

Let’s be honest, I have no idea how to even start this post.. so please bare with me. I recently realized that I find solitude in writing my thoughts and personal experiences, though it may not be written well or grammatically correct. There might not be a single person in this world that reads my blog, and that’s okay. This blog is me finally having the courage to openly write about the demons that have haunted me for far too long. These blog posts are not for sympathy, but in hopes to help someone else that needs to know they aren’t alone during dark times. So here is my story of the darkest hours of my life..

After graduating from high school I moved to a college town a few hours away from my hometown, and started gong to the community college there. My first year of college was wonderful. I was a full-time student, maintained a 3.50 GPA, had a job as a hostess, watched tons football games, met new people, and gained some lifelong friendships. That year I was so incredibly happy. Fall semester of my sophomore year began. I started working full-time at a fine dining restaurant, started paying my own bills, stopped taking as many classes, and then the first bomb dropped.. My high school sweetheart dumped me. I was devastated, wouldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, dropped 20 pounds, worked out excessively, starting drinking heavily, etc. At the time I thought life couldn’t get any worse, but I was so incredibly wrong. Fast forward to moving on from my first real heartache, I started dating again and met a guy that I thought hung the moon. We rented a house and moved in together, life was seemingly good until it wasn’t anymore..

The guy I was dating was from the town that I went to college in and he had more friends than I could count. We constantly had people over at our house and went to the bars on a very frequent basis. One afternoon I arrived home after work to see his friends were already there drinking but I was not in the mood to have people over, mainly because I had worked a double the day before and then opened that next morning. Though I was angry, what was I supposed to do? Be the crazy girlfriend that ruins all the fun? I decided to just deal with it.

The day goes on and my boyfriend tells me that one guy in particular was coming over and it just didn’t sit right with me. I had this overwhelming anxiety that I couldn’t shake.. My instincts were telling me that this was a bad idea.. (LISTEN TO YOUR INSTINCTS) But at the time I just shoved it off as being dramatic and so did my boyfriend. Let’s be honest, I am constantly over dramatic. My boyfriends friend had an extreme temper and was constantly getting in fights at bars, and had also been to jail on multiple occasions. His father paid his sons way out of all the trouble he caused. He had a girlfriend on and off for a long time, and I knew my boyfriend had slept with that girl before dating me. Which at the time wasn’t a big deal to me because he was honest about it and it was before I came into the picture. The biggest issue I had with my his friend was that he had been accused of raping a girl when he was in high school, and if I remember correctly, went to jail for a short amount of time for the crime. Though I knew all of that, and wasn’t comfortable being around him, I let him into my home because everyone told me that the girl he supposedly raped was lying and that it never happen… My thoughts at the time were that I wasn’t there to say what happen and what didn’t? So who am I to judge? He had been one of my boyfriends best friends for so many years, how could there be any way that this guy was a monster?

I made it very clear that I did not want him at my house, so he took it upon himself to go to the liquor store and buy me tequila. To clarify, in no way shape or form asked him to do that, never even hinted at it. When he arrived at my house to hangout with my boyfriend, he handed me the tequila that I thought was a “peace offering”.. but I was terribly wrong and incredibly naive to his actual intentions. I had a few drinks throughout that afternoon/evening and around 8:30 decided it was time to go to bed, I was exhausted from work. Before going to bed I told everyone that I was calling it a night (there were 5 people total, including my boyfriend, and they were all sitting outside under the carport). I also told everyone that was drinking that they were welcome to stay at our house and sleep on the couch, I even put blankets and pillows on the couch.

It’s around 8:45 p.m. I made my way to my bed alone and went to sleep. Little did I know while I was sleeping that something creepy had already happened, but no one turned a head to it.. that monster was caught sitting at the end of my bed trying to “talk to me” while I was asleep, when he was interrupted by our other friends and told to get out of my room. Hours later I woke up to that monster holding me down, a hand covering my mouth, while being sodomized and raped.. meanwhile my boyfriend was on the other side of the bed passed out extremely intoxicated, and didn’t wake up until I could finally get out a scream while punching and kicking for my life. When my boyfriend finally woke up and realized what was going on, the man that raped me, that’s suppose to be his friend, was hurrying trying to put on his pants and was running out the door. So my fight or flight instincts were still in gear and I went chasing after him with a fury, enraged, but he was already in his car by the time I got close to him. The words that came out of his mouth before flooring his car out of my driveway will stick with me forever…He yelled at my boyfriend “now you know how it feels for someone to fuck your bitch”…

As the monster that just raped and sodomized me was speeding away, and the shock was setting in and my fight or flight instincts were leaving me. In that moment all I could do was scream.. no words, no movement, just bloodcurdling screams. I don’t know how long I stood in that driveway screaming, but I couldn’t move.. it could have been seconds or even minutes. The only thing I know for certain is that time stood still. I was frozen, screaming from emotions that I don’t think I will ever be able to explain.. At some point I collapsed to the ground, and knew I needed to do something.. but what? What can I do now? The moment I realized what I needed to do, I ran as fast as I could inside my house. Frantically my boyfriend asked what I was doing, I stormed passed him and didn’t mutter a word. I started pacing in my living room as I called 9-1-1. The only thing I remember saying to the operator was “I was raped” everything after that is a blur. After the phone call I remember going outside in my carport waiting… I can still vividly remember hearing those sirens from afar as I sat outside rocking back and forth while chain smoking cigarettes…

To be continued…

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